Flash 55 #28

She saw it happen from above. As if her spirit inhabited the atmosphere around them, allowing her to witness. She couldn’t feel him, her mind was too distant and too frightened to actually feel anything, but as she looked down on the scene, she wasn’t sure what was more painful, feeling or watching.

12 thoughts on “Flash 55 #28

  1. Is this Sara? Are you channeling The Lovely Bones?

    Very evocative, good description of detachment during trauma! (small suggestion — change ‘feeling’ to maybe ‘being there’ or ‘was’ to ‘would be’ before this goes to the publisher in final galley form :). I got confused — was she feeling anything or not? I think I know what you’re saying — what was worse, to actually be there in the moment, or detaching yourself from it enough so that you were an observer and therefore going through it twice in a way — as victim and observer?)

    Yeah, lots of coffee for me this morning. I could easily see this as a short, pre-chapter-one prologue or whatever you call a separate little paragraph in italics at the beginning of a chapter (maybe not enough coffee; I’m not too clear here.)

    What I’m TRYING to say is that I think this, with just a little work, would be an excellent opener and hook for your book.

    Reading it, my thoughts are: OMG! What’s happening to her? Who is she? Who is he? What’s he doing? Is she dead? Is she alive? If she is alive, is she going to make it? What’s happening?

    I’m hooked, and I NEED TO FIND THE ANSWERS TO THOSE QUESTIONS. And that, of course, is exactly what you want.


    1. I’m glad you could see where I was TRYING to go with this. That’s encouraging. It’s a hard image to portray when you’ve never been in that position.

  2. (Sorry, this was meant to be a response to Natasha. Haven’t had coffee yet.)

    Lovely Bones? Hum, Kaitlin is reading Lovely Bones. Do I need to read it? Is it appropriate for a fifteen-year-old? Yikes! I don’t sensor her reading but I like to stay informed so we can talk about it.

    Remember the chapter one I emailed you? This is my experimental attempt for it. I was going for the out of body thing. Remember the post https://dayner.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/chapter-one-blues-revisited/

    It never sounded right no matter how I wrote it so I gave up and put it aside. Last night I was looking for a Flash 55 idea and came across the hand written notes.

    I guess since you liked I shouldn’t give up on the idea. Right now I’m pulling out my hair on chapter three.
    Okay, I’m off for coffee too…ugh TGIF!

    1. I don’t think the Lovely Bones is appropriate for anyone. I HATED the book and can’t believe I read the whole thing.

      But I don’t as a rule read books in which kids die. And where a kid’s torture and death is used to shock and titillate, and form the sensationalist premise of a soon-to-be-a-major-movie book (oh, do you think the author was thinking ‘movie’ when writing the book?)

      I got into a heated discussion about this with some friends last week and I was clearly a minority (as in the only one) opinion.

      If Kaitlin is reading it, I think you should too so you guys can talk about it. There’s some pretty heavy stuff in it and it might be good to process some of it together. Also, the fact that there’s rape, murder and out of body stuff might relate to your writing.

      And I definitely think this Flash is headed in the right direction. But you should take my opinion with a couple of grains of salt because I generally am pretty far out of the mainstream with my thinking.

      1. I think the movie is what got Kaitlin’s attention. She also read The Last Song. Which, I warned her about Sparks, but she wanted to read it anyway. I didn’t read it, and I won’t, but I’m not worried about his writing. He’s usually PG13 or so… I don’t know if I can get through anything that deals with child rape. I’m not sure she is still reading it, maybe she gave up on it…*fingers crossed*…I really don’t want to read that.

        BTW, I 100% trust your opinion. If this grabbed you then I should give it another look. I like the idea too, I just couldn’t get the writing right. I will give it another look when I’ve had enough space from it. Thanks for the feedback.

    1. Don’t worry, she gets away and kicks his a$$ in the process. 😉

      When it comes down to it, my Sarah is no wimp. She’s a bit of a whiner, but not a wimp. 🙂

  3. Dayner – I like the mystical element in this. It’s intriguing.

    And Natasha – I love your position on books that use kids’ deaths to shock and titillate. Very well articulated, and very socially responsible. As much as I love Nabokov’s writing, I can’t bring myself to admire “Lolita” for similar reasons. Why would the world ever need to sympathize with a pedophile? I struggle with taking that position, because I want to admire the writing that pulled it off, but as a writers, we have to know where we stand morally. Hey wait! That’s a blog post. Thanks for the idea 🙂 More soon…

  4. Your story continues to blossom. The improvements are outstanding and your word choices are far more descriptive and appropriate for the tone you’re trying to achieve.

    Keep at it! Your labors have paid off.

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